Don't get me started on Ghost in the Shell. Instead, here's some random crap I've been thinking about.

So the world-building I’ve been doing for a story has gotten me thinking about quantum physics and the role of the observer in the universe. There are some that say that we shape reality by observing it and there are sciency arguments for that. The idea of an objective reality makes a lot of sense, but then you get into the question of perception and how what is outside of us gets in. We still haven’t found the smallest unit of matter, so what if matter is not a discrete quantity? Kind of hurts my mind thinking about it. This brings up our experiences and how they shape us. It is pretty demonstrable that experiences, especially traumatic ones have an effect on our minds. I’m talking about demonstrable physical imbalances in the brain. We argue that it is inherited, but a part of it has to be experiential. So if our reality (experience) shapes us, and at the same time our observation shapes reality - where is the constant? Or is there an Observer who shapes everything with its interminable gaze? If so, I humbly request that It observe me to be a little less angst-ridden. My teens were quite some time ago.

Twitter is doing weird stuff - what exactly is it trying to accomplish? I think I understand why Google removed the ability to add circles to a hangout - I was literally calling Sean Plott on G+ every week there for a while for the DayKnight hangout. For that I am eternally apologetic. The huge thread was fun at first but forced reply all? Didn't we learn that was bad with email? So they created a mute function for conversations, as though admitting we know this new feature is going to annoy the hell out of people but we’re gonna do it anyway. Every time someone responds on this Twitter conversation I'm a part of I cringe a bit. I don't mind the notifications but I know some people do. Speaking of which, today it has been hard not to post my thoughts on Twitter as they come up. But I think this exercise is a healthy one so I'm keeping it up for the 30 days.

I have a weird kind of doublethink about my body right now. In the past 1-2 years I’ve gained a considerable amount of weight. I think it is important to accept yourself and your appearance for your own well-being. I also think that I can lose the weight that I’ve put on and have that as a goal. It’s like - I accept where I am right now and it is not BAD to be there but I also accept that it is not where I want to be forever. And I should take healthy steps to get where I want to be - for example I cut out sugary soda and ice cream and see where that gets me. I am not starving myself. Though I don’t eat breakfast and that might not be the best thing.

There's been some stuff ricocheting around the internet about people not hanging out with members of the opposite sex who are not their spouses. I responded to something about that, and I feel the need to weigh in because that mentality affected me personally. I'm not saying that you have to experience something to know about it, but in matters of society and ethics and crap it is helpful to have some experiential evidence behind what you are claiming. So. I think this mentality is dangerous, especially when it comes to young people. This type of thinking was pervasive in the homeschooling group I was a part of - lots of discussion on "occasions of sin" and such. Occasions of sin were a big thing. The world was a giant minefield just waiting to trigger our basest instincts, malevolent in its intent to destroy us. To get specific, when I was 14 sex was the very last thing on my mind. I was kind of like the little girl in Enchanted who tells Giselle that boys "are only after one thing" but then can't explain what that thing is because no one's told her yet. I mean, I kind of knew how it worked, but it wasn't something I wanted for myself at all. But, unbeknownst to me it was apparently all the adults thought about.

However, I was a bloody teenager and YOU KNOW there was a boy that I liked. Really liked. I thought that one day, if I was very lucky, we might kiss on the mouth. But I went about it all wrong, as you do when you are 14, and determined that I must show no interest at all and he would somehow feel that we were meant to be together. There was a lot of quiet pining. Anyway. There was one night when a bunch of the homeschooling kids had a sleepover. It was great, there was a giant trampoline and a firepit and scary stories and whatnot. The bright shining highlight of this evening was that, after all the other kids had gone to sleep, this boy and I stayed up in the living room talking for like 4 hours. About... I don't even remember. Books. Star Wars. Nerd crap. I barely slept at all because I was in a recliner that didn't lock into the reclined position. But I was so frikkin' happy that I didn't want to move. And the next day I was on the fluffiest pink cloud in the cloud parade.

Until one of the homeschooling parents took me aside and told me that because I had spent over an hour alone in a room with this boy, it could legally be assumed that we'd had sex. I wasn't thinking about, HE wasn't thinking about it, it was just the flippin' adults. But of course then I started thinking about it. And thinking. And brooding. And freaking the hell out. And that is what launched my long career of self-harming practices.

So. Yes. You might say I judge this particular way of thinking. As I said before, its dangerous. When you treat all people as sex objects with no control either that is what they become or they, like me, fold in on themselves and implode. I'm a firm believer in sex being something you DO, not necessarily who you are. And we are human beings with free will, we can choose not to do a thing. And if people want to perceive that you've done said thing, that is on them and not you. I choose not to believe that we're just a bunch of animalistic sex-fiends just waiting for an excuse for our next fix. I don't believe anymore that the world is a minefield of evil. Something I do believe is - going back to what I said earlier about experiences shaping us - that believing those things for so long is one of the reasons I have to take like 7 pills every day to keep from melting down or Hulking out on someone.

OK, I think that's all I have to say about that. I realize that most anyone reading this probably agrees with me and so my arguing my point/telling my story is irrelevant or a bid for attention. But if it helps one person to think twice before telling their kid something that sends them off into a self-hate spiral, I feel I've done good.

Anyway. Some random thoughts that I've collected over the past couple days:

Google saved me from asking what "af" meant, thus displaying how unwoke I am.
I don't think I'm using that word right. Back to Google to find out if I am woke.
I'm all for making up words, but someone please tell me what the hell that is referring to.
I probably eat too much cheese.
I posted a picture today. But it wasn’t a statement or opinion so I don’t think I broke my rule.
But maybe saying "presented without comment" is actually commenting?
The band Deathstars sounds like if KMFDM had a baby with She Wants Revenge.
I think the reason I use twitter so much is I am hooked on having an audience, no matter how small.
More on that later.
If I can bleed, sweat and cry over Word merge field formatting so that another person doesn't have to, I am willing to take that bullet.
Just kidding I didn't cry.

See y'all tomorrow maybe.

Look! Buttons!

Comments

I'm amazed and humbled by how brave you are, putting you're experiences out there into the internet.
At least, that is my interpretation since it would be brave for me (that's me taking a clue from your writing).

Also: You cannot not communicate. The very act of saying nothing can (and probably will) be interpreted as a communication act by the other party.
Oh, we humans are funny things.

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