a decade in retrospect

I found out that my old blog that I have not touched for over 5 years is still up and accessible. Yeah…. Totally not importing any of those posts into this website. Not ever. I only made it five minutes of reading before the cringe took over and I had to stop.

The fact that it’s plastered on the Intertubes for any and all to see though doesn’t so much bother me. It does highlight the fact that I’ve been throwing my feelings into the void of cyberspace for over a decade. I had to take a moment to let that sink in. Maybe that’s why the fact that they’re still there doesn’t bug me - nothing bad has happened so far. What could possibly go wrong?

Reading over that dren has gotten me to consider the idea that I have grown as a person over the years. And, as I told a friend on twitter, I have empirical evidence that I have changed. When I compare what I wrote back then to what I write now there are glaring differences. For one thing, I am not as bitter and hateful as I used to be.

No, really. My FB and Myspace taglines used to be “I am a hater, for I love to hate”.

That being said, one thing I am learning to do of late is to have compassion for myself. And so I feel I must have some empathy for my jaded and cynical former self. There was a reason I was the way I was, a series of unfortunate events that led to the person who penned the words “situational loathing” and “full of hatred for humanity in its entirety”. To pull a couple examples at random.

The following is probably going to get personal and introspective, so if you’d rather not know the sordid details of How I Came To Be - let me just say I’m not unique. But I’ve been through some shit. And the shit we go through shapes us. I’m not sure if I’m writing this to let other people in similar situations know they’re not alone, or my own catharsis. But I’ve learned lately that it is OK for both motivations to be present.

If you don’t want to read through this whole mess, here’s the TL:DR.

Accept yourself. Don’t beat yourself up for the past. Learn from what happened before, but don’t dwell on it too much. Own your part, but don’t condemn yourself for your mistakes. Everyone deserves happiness simply because they exist. You are precious.

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